今天读这读了三遍，工整的手抄笔记。惊讶于自己的偏执－－对大红大紫的事情人物总是以厌恶的态度以示“不赶时髦”，比如乔布斯。没有看过他的著名演讲，没有去读那本据说人手一本的乔布斯传，自然也没有跟风去买绝代的4S。今天有机会静静地阅读这演讲的手抄稿，舍不得放下，一气读了三遍。

##This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

##The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

##My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the world’s first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. ##Don’t settle.

##My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

已经确定了一月份就去Oslo呆着，依然各种不知所措各种overwhelming，我何时才能对何事feel sure ？这是种深植在性格里的不安。

这件事要是放在半个月前，或许我即使忐忑也还是兴奋期待成分居多，可发生在现在，一切都不一样了。

最近决定了尝试不去考虑将来，不去权衡利弊，活在当下，只要当下我是快乐的。说一切想说的话，表达一切想表达的情绪，自私地这么活着。不去管别人，不去问将来，不去做计划，甚至不会提起“将来”二字。

以前总觉得自己是个做事算有条理的人，总有个笔记本，记录我的一切日程计划，远的，近的。可那又带给我了什么－－随时得check自己给自己定下的条框那么按部就班地做着“计划中”的事情。总也不敢随心所欲，可是仔细想来－－ What could ‘a plan’ do to me to make me less uncertain ? Who can plan the plan for sure ? So why bother planning ??

既然从未停止过不安，不如不要再去费力做什么计划试图减少不安，it never worked，won’t work。

开心地活在当下的每分每秒😁

凉飕飕的北方秋天，一会儿雾霾茫茫好几天，灰暗阴郁，一会儿又天高云淡，晴空万里。这是我在北京度过的第三个年头，却貌似今年才有闲情体会这大北方秋天的独特的美。稍微回忆了一下，前两年的此时我都在干嘛来着－－前年这会儿正处于低落期吧，生活上的大变故让我一出校园就体验了一把世事无常，生活在自己的小世界里靠暴饮暴食完的自励度过每一天；去年的此时。。三个礼拜的年假回老家吃螃蟹吃到满脸长包，囧，整个秋冬灰头土脸挣扎于战痘前线。今年此时，一切节奏都慢了下来，每天晃晃悠悠的，让我得以有时间看看天，看看树，看看我自己。

从来都喜欢暖色调，打出这一行立马想到自己的衣服都是灰黑色系冷色调。。。anyway，我还是喜欢暖色调的－－比如今年把卧室用墙纸贴成了橘色，这个租来的小屋顿时添了些许温馨，后来还购置了一些暖色床品四件套来保持风格一致；比如买了粉嫩嫩的水杯以及后来添置的配套色系保温杯，成天美滋滋地捏着在办公室东西穿梭；比如无比喜爱这大北方秋天的落叶树群，一阵风吹过，哗啦啦的红黄叶下雨一般落下，那天存了一片树叶，这个秋天落在我身上的第一片叶子，放办公室一下午就脆了，办公室好干！江苏那边绿化树一般是四季常绿，最常见是香樟树，我也很喜欢香樟树，味道好闻形状好看还不生虫子。不过春华秋荣冬凋零才正常，一成不变有什么意思。我喜欢落叶树，喜欢看它们由郁郁绿色一下子转成暖暖的黄色在阳光下深浅不一地耀眼着，这样我好在早秋一出门被风灌了一脖子一激灵以后看一眼满街黄叶发出感慨：秋天到了哇～常住北京的人跟我说北京四季不明显，那他们是没体会过我们那里的四季，那才是真正只有冬夏两季的，本应是春秋的时节会由接连n多天的绵绵细雨来过度，并且除了温度上的变化，是没有多少其它明显季节特征的。来北京一直都还没有去过香山看红叶，早晨看了同事在奥森拍的照片，那也有，很美。其实无须跑那么远，在北京的这个季节，随处可见的秋色铺天盖地

午后出门晃悠，其实没什么出门的目的，只因为今天太阳好。从我住的地方，要想去到任何地方（公园，菜场，超市，商场，地铁。。），下楼以后应该向左，但我总是选择向右，从小区里一条停车道上绕一大圈。因为那条道两边都种着法国梧桐。梧桐树让我想家，想南京。梧桐也是落叶树。梧桐生长很快，小学时候曾在家门口一棵梧桐树干上深深刻上自己的名字，第二年原本刻字的凹陷处就高高地鼓了出来。后来搬家以后还特意回去看过。那棵树大约是在我高中时被拔掉了，城区改造什么的。梧桐会长果实，状如杨梅，第二年入春会掉落，一踩都是黄毛，风吹会迷眼睛呛嗓子。夏天梧桐树还爱长一种毛毛虫，我们那里叫“洋辣子”，不小心被其毛戳了就会红肿刺痛好久好久，我从来没体会，过因为我从小胆小谨慎。。。男学生会用梧桐叶卷了洋辣子吓唬女生，但并不会真伤害到人，大约都知道洋辣子的‘辣’可不是开玩笑的。北京不常见法国梧桐，不知道为什么这小区里结结实实种了两列，梧桐枝叶繁茂到处分叉扭拐，整条道就是不见阳光的林荫道。带我妈从这里走，她感叹：为什么不修剪！－－我们那里梧桐大道都每年要修剪枝叶的，不能让其疯长。想来是北方人不会折腾梧桐吧。。。一定是这样。

啊，回到我的暖色调喜好declaration - 我还喜欢吃暖色调的食物！撺了几张近期吃食的pp，看吧，都是暖暖的有没有？哈！上排左一，是我今年最爱吃的水果，北方大柿子！跟我们江苏的品种不同，大而甜而不涩，软了切口铁勺挖着吃，美味！上排中间，王氏蝴蝶面！独家秘方美味无极限～上排右一，王氏蒜香面包丁，之前介绍过，后来又炮制了一次，只有更成功更美味～中排左一，红色火龙果，吃完有异事，谁吃谁懂得！中排中间，奥森公园附近的“边境共和国”，近期吃的馆子里最满意的一家，各种小吃很合我胃口，要不是太远真能天天去吃啊～中排右一，海棠果，很奇妙，今年新认识的果子。下排左一，我没有耐心吃的石榴籽。。下排中间，东四的“起司家”的乳酪蛋糕和榴莲蛋糕，也是美味太浓郁～下排右一，胡萝卜南瓜红薯炖，很暖色有没有？？

明天老妈就回去了，又要剩我孤零零在这大北方，不知道还会不会这样心中充满温暖。前天收到nana邮件，貌似工作上又要开始忙一阵子了。忙一点也好的，太无聊会胡思乱想会给自己找事儿～

所以说经常觉得自己有点第六感，抑或是命中注定？－－Can’t be, shake it off~ －－上午点Lync list发现N有头像了，以前是空的。新头像是个不太清楚的侧脸，不过发型跟今年早些时候见到的一样了，颇有沧桑浪人风范。Anyway，就是在今天注意到了而已。然而下午正在我百般聊赖无所事事昏昏欲睡的时候，试图看OP和C给我发来的长篇大论about TDGs and TRLs，那个神奇的小窗口突然从右下角屏幕跳了出来－－Good morning Ying ! 一时震惊，回了个’afternoon’，然后被告知他回归正常工作了，之前休假来着什么的，简单寒暄几句之后又是说just wanted to say god morning…Gotta run to a meeting…之类的，留下我继续体会余震。

What’s the meaning of all these?
可以感觉到渐渐淡去的热情，依然会有感触一定是因为I am so very very bored。

赋闲在家两周多了，早晨八点多醒来实在睡不着，遂起床做早饭。家人来探望的日子多半是出去游玩下馆子，难得在家则是衣来伸手饭来张口，今天一时兴起，感觉应该尽一下孝道。。家里屯了不少食材，可以做的有很多，打开冰箱，一袋放了三四天的切片白面包给了我灵感。面包放了这些天应该是不好吃了，但也还没有坏。于是，first thing first － 先把豆粥煮上，放了两种豆子，黑米，以及一点点黑芝麻。随后来处理面包 － 首先烧热平底锅，烤面包片，待两面微黄戳之微脆时取出切丁；接而调味，平底锅刷薄油一层，爆香蒜末（蒜末取自老妈给我准备的一大罐子油蒜末，以方便平时爱吃饺子却懒得剥大蒜的我），蒜末放得比较多，然后把之前的面包丁倒入锅中，微微火，慢慢翻，这过程持续至少十分钟，期间撒盐及胡椒粉同翻；待面包丁色泽金黄尝之香脆，关火即成。关火后持续翻动让空气发挥作用，这样能保证所有的面包丁同样香脆。这时我洗漱臭美以及其他，直到豆粥煮好。叫醒老妈，每人大半碗豆粥，撒上我的黑胡椒蒜香咸脆面包丁，吃完点赞不绝，shy。。😳

其实根源的灵感来自于挪威那边的公司食堂 － 去年有段时间吃肉吃伤到了，三文鱼吃腻到了，生蔬菜沙拉实在难以下咽，华夫饼神马的做主食又奇甜无比，公司食堂的午餐唯有奶油浓汤配小面包丁可以让我果腹（还有鲜榨莓类果汁以及酸奶神马的也很美味，不过吃那些下午熬不到下班就饿了）。浓汤及小面包丁的不足之处就是咸 － 汤咸面包丁也咸，吃完下午要喝很多水。而我这次与豆粥的搭配就让人感觉很和谐健康了，面包丁略咸风味十足，配上无味却健康营养的豆粥，一勺连粥带面包挖入口中，口感层次丰富，味道平衡绝佳，各种满足。

最近在看一个BBC的饮食节目“保罗教你做面包”，又开始萌发了学做面包的冲动，甚至去京东看了看烤箱烤具之类的东东。－ 我总是这样，一出一出的。之前想要做西点的时候做了几次电饭锅版本的蛋糕，学生时代住宿舍，没有条件去购置各种工具，只能把手头的简单工具物尽其用。现在虽然毕业两年多了，在这个大城市里依然是居无定所的状态，很多次想要置备家具家电之类的时候都考虑到搬家会很困难而不了了之。想要尽量把这个租来的房子当成自己的家，但太难做到了。我想这也有个观念上的问题，在我还没对北京有所牵绊之前，即使有了自己的房子应该也不会有多少“家“的感受。Anyway，优酷上就有这个节目，下面贴上第一集。昨天我看到第四集，里面那个红莓版面包布丁让我垂涎不止。。。

休假不剩几天了，对接下来的工作有些期待，但也舍不得这段时间无忧无虑的闲适结束，矛盾～这两天雾霾上了，减少出门，在家跟妈妈整理衣柜什么的，同时把iPad版的消星星打到八万多分，这事儿的起因是这样的 － 我妈在她的iPad上玩这个，说总是过不了六千，我就拿来玩，给她打到两万多，鄙视了她一下以后也在自己的iPad上下了一个玩，打到三万多就不想玩了，感到“太无聊了！”（话说在家补看了笑傲江湖，笑死我了。。百家笑谈那人也忒逗了）不过我妈很快就找到了窍门打到了五万多分又回来鄙视我，我遗传了老妈的竞争精神就重拾游戏打到了八万多。现在，就在此时，我在这敲我的博客，我妈躺她床上继续消灭星星呢，囧

怀念一下前两天没有雾霾的天气，好心情时到处都很美好，要保持好心情：）

距离做完LASIK手术已经整10天了。两年多来真正做到了长假在家半点都没惦记着工作上的事。刚才收到邮件说我那个项目已经过了TDG2，这月底就能TDG3，项目经理正在做first user plan包括costs什么的，让我宽慰之余又稍稍回忆了一下where I left my work，都不太想得起来了，囧。这十天来满心惦记着就是我的眼睛，后来家人来北京，就又多了些惦记－－每天去哪玩，吃什么。

计划好了做完手术来写review，可是恢复期医生让少用电脑少看书－－其实她也不用说的，前几天根本就看不清楚。每天拿着手机感觉屏幕都是花的，据说这叫眩光现象，LASIK可能带来的副作用之一。今天第十天了，眩光现象减轻了不少，但还是存在，比如夜间看路灯都很大，光线呈放射性花状，看电脑手机屏幕也略晃眼。除了眩光现象，还有远视的困扰，头几天是看不清近处的，现在貌似慢慢好了。还有夜视力下降的问题，在昏暗处看物模糊，视觉感受不如在好的光照下好，这个目前也还没有进步，没准以后就这样了，这些都是写在“术前须知”里面的可能发生的情况。好的一点是，我从做完以后从来没有疼痛酸胀的现象，也不会无故流泪或眼干。所以说我的眼珠子也如我其他部位般皮实么。。囧

从头说起－－9月23号那天去做手术，很流水线的感觉。到了手术室门口把预约单交给护士本以为要等一会儿，却立马让我进去了。进去以后是要等的，几个人一批，貌似六个一批吧，让我们排排坐，等挨刀。我是第四个，我前面那姑娘貌似很有经验的样子总爱给我提示下一步要干嘛－－洗眼球，上麻药（就是滴一种眼药水，完了眼珠子就麻木了，感觉不到冷暖痛痒），酒精洗眼窝周围。。那姑娘是个活泼的文科研二，我们被护士批评了好几次不让交头接耳。我后面那姑娘就是很紧张的样子，我虽也忐忑，却也跟她说没事的这就是个小手术，再她后面是个帅小伙，进去之前一言不发跟着排排坐洗眼珠子，出来以后貌似很兴奋。。。嗯然后我们坐着等啊等，前面进去的貌似十几分钟出来一个的频率。等我前面的姑娘进去之后不久，就让我也跟着坐到里面去，原来到里面还是要等的，我进去之后坐在一个仪器旁边，上面人还没下来。环顾手术室内，还有另一个仪器，我惦记了一下：我是交了飞秒的钱，可别给我做成普通激光，相差大几千呢。当然这种担忧也就闪念一下，没顾得上问。前面姑娘下了仪器立马就让我上了，坐在仪器前头的医生都不用站起来的，果然是流水线。周围四五个护士在干着不同的事情，有专门负责扶着上下仪器的。躺上了仪器就给往脸上蒙了一张东西盖着脸，只露出右眼，然后眼皮被用东西撑住不能眨眼，因为上了麻药，所以没有特别感觉不适。仪器正面我头部上空有个光亮的圆环，医生让我右眼盯住那个圆环。。后面不太记得清细节顺序了，因为怪紧张的，总之就是那个圆环压下来，然后我的角膜瓣被剥离，圆环拿开后视感模糊，一下子没了焦点的感觉，医生会指引着让眼珠子往那边转，然后就是闻到一股蛋白质烧焦的味道，貌似还能隐约看见一缕青烟从眼前飘过。。那是飞秒激光在灼烧雕塑眼角膜了。再然后感觉医生把被掀开的角膜瓣复位，并用东西抚平，给戴上了术前让我们自备的“绷带镜”，那个就是个隐形眼镜一样的东西，术后盖在眼球上帮助伤口愈合的吧，两百多一只，我两只眼睛就是五百块左右的一副绷带镜了。这些都是不含在手术费的一万五里面的，还有术前检查的五百也是之外的。右眼完了让换左眼，同样的步骤，两只眼一共也就三四分钟的样子。然后就是被扶着下仪器床，然后就让自己走出手术室了。让我非常意外的是，刚做完手术就视感非常清晰了，虽然因为紧张有点晕晕的。走到手术外间，还是我们一批的几个让排排坐着，等剩下的俩人做完后一起出去的意思。我们做完的四个就在互相讨论感受，比如眼珠子红不红啊，疼不疼啊，能不能看到远处墙上的小字啊。。我们几个又被护士说了好几次。等六人凑齐了，有一个护士让我们挨个坐到一个放大镜似的东西前给我们看了看眼珠子，就给我们戴上两只全是窟窿眼的透明塑料眼罩，告诉我们一些术后注意事项和复查时间，就让出去了。回家后发现右眼有一些血丝，至今还在。我有点担忧，但复查时医生说没事，女生血管细的缘故。我猜可能是那个环状物压在眼球上取角膜瓣时力道大了给我压渗了血吧。

完了就说到复查。做完的第二天早晨让复查一次，第四天还有一次。第二天我一早去就是给看看角膜状况吧，然后测了视力，视力表那种的测，我是0.6和0.7，头一天一批的帅小伙跟我差不多，我俩术前度数都比较深，我六七百，他有八百。另外那个排我后面的术前400度的姑娘视力已经达到双眼1.2了。我们猜测是度数越深恢复起来越慢。这天还给开了好多药，医生给说了眼药滴用的频率，还有一种很贵的口服药，看着像是某种补品。。眼药没额外付费，就在眼科取药处取的。那口服药三瓶一共九百左右就让在医院底层的药房取，是要给药房付钱的。我们几个排队取药时又吐槽了下是不是医生都要吃药房回扣的，药都那么贵，之前绷带镜也是。以下是药们。。。

然后是第四天复查，这天是给摘除戴在眼球上的绷带镜。我跟医生说我感觉视力下降了，被抚慰了一下，说现在是不是看远处清楚？第四天是视力最差的，这是正常的。。blahblah，我就安啦，回家。这一天没有查视力，估计查了也会很差。医生告知下一次复查是第七天，就是术后一周的复查。

第七天我去了，这时我开始紧张了，因为这时候我的视感越来越差似的，不如刚做完手术都－－眩光，远视，夜视不佳，眼珠子上的瘀血。。各种concern。排队测了视力，1.0和0.9，居然比上次进步了，可我感觉我明明都看不清楚护士指的各种E。又遇上一起做手术的妹子，她已经是双眼1.2的视力了，虽然她也觉得有点散光似的感觉。我向医生表达了我的concern，这次医生可能心情不好了，开始摆开北京大妈的架势，说：术前协议你不是都看了吗，你这都是说好了的可能性，你也不要跟别人比恢复状况，人跟人身高还不一样呢，脸还分好看不好看呢，要这么活着多累啊。。blahblah让我无言以对，对手术后果的焦虑和视力恢复状况的挫败充斥，各种郁郁。大妈医生说完一大通以后貌似心情好了一些，又说了些无关痛痒的安慰：一般没大事儿，我做了这么多手术，只有一个男孩子需要二次手术，你慢慢恢复，别着急。。blahblah，我已然淹没在自己的郁郁里，听到这些并没有好受一些。这次给通知的下次复查时间是术后一个月。那就是国庆节后两周了。好现象是，当天从医院回家的路上就心情很好了，因为天气很好，而我一出了同仁医院的昏暗压抑的东区就视感各种良好，戴上墨镜，跟老妈交流对比了一下看周围各种东西的感受，安心不少。

这之后的几天，就是各种自我调养。拉着老妈各种逛公园，因为遵医嘱是要多看远处看绿色的。直到第七天之前，我看电脑屏幕是完全不行的，远视者般的困扰。这两天开电脑测了一下，还是可以的，屏幕上的字略发散，我会看一会儿就闭眼休息一会儿。迄今为止，我拿iPad手机看东西就是简单瞟几眼就合上，听美剧听音乐，不会盯着总看。期待视力尽快稳定，我好重新投入我的伪码农工作当中去。。说得好像我略期待的样子，囧。

当然这些眼睛废着的日子也让我能有大把的时间去琢磨我的小癖好们。下面一组我取名为Patterns of the Nature，不知道有没有人能看皮识树，我不能，好多树看着叶子也不知道名字，别说只看皮了。我貌似是个纹理控，嗯。

然后还有些其他的东东，以及花花草草蓝天白云神马的，又以及国庆期间到处的人头攒动神马的，废着的日子也几多闲适几多宁静。

今天用眼过度，滴上眼药水儿瞎着去～

近两个礼拜很浮躁焦虑，跟别人说是长假前的症兆－－我要休长假了，连着国庆节至少能三周；其实应该是LASIK飞秒激光手术之前的忐忑。明天就要手术了－计划是长久的，决定却是突然的。从小推着我厚厚的镜片揉捏我酸疼的鼻梁时都期盼着终有一天从学校毕业我要去做手术治好近视眼，毕业两年来工作还没走上正轨本也没时间去想这件事，可住在号称眼科最好的同仁医院附近每天看见戴着蜻蜓般透明眼罩的人进出医院让我终于下定了决心。今年打听了几个做过手术的同学同事，倒都没有后悔的，一个丹麦同事还给我长篇大论介绍她的手术细节，在她形容下LASIK也就是稀松平常的一个小手术，她做完有10年了毫无问题，更是让我安心不少。恰好最近工作上项目进展顺利，觉得可以利用一下我攒了好长的年假去完成一下这桩心愿。

话说术前检查很重要，抱着一丝念想就是去检查发现自己不适合手术条件倒也安心，以后就不用老惦记着了。可真正花了大半天功夫检查完被医生说完全符合手术条件－－角膜厚度以及眼压什么的，都正常。同仁医院的屈光组，各种流水线似的操作，从医生到护士都是一副轻描淡写的态度，你问他们什么都给你说得很轻松模糊－－比如我的医生，我跟其说我就是个码农（认识我的人别汗。。😓 ）每天要对着电脑会不会术后反弹快啊。。她就说不碍事，好多人手术后四五天就能上班完全没问题，还说现在谁不每天对着电脑手机啊。。。我也不知道可信不可信，人家毕竟是全国最好的眼科里的主刀医生。不过最后给我建议让我做飞秒，比普通激光的价格贵上许多，说是这种对角膜损伤小，适合二次手术。－－什么二次手术？？不是说完全没问题吗？？。。。就是这种轻描淡写的模糊，让我各种忐忑，不很严重，但总惦记着点什么的那种赶脚:(

忐忑归忐忑，我对做手术的信念还是杠杠的－－我要脱离恍惚了－－期待清澈地看世界，没准我的前途人生神马的也跟着明朗起来😄

明天就要去手术了，还是很怕怕的，周末下载了很多audio的东东在家备瞎，屯了很多蔬菜还做了大扫除准备蜗居。估计得要一些日子才能用电脑，那之后再来更新详细的手术体验篇。

一句话，生命在于折腾。

“Have faith, dream big, think big, and know that anything is possible. You never know where you might end up.”

`Jennifer Lopez at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards`

Sexiest woman alive ❤️

昨晚在家看书，梁实秋的雅舍谈吃－－又是之前看了半册因不满而中途闲置的一本书。梁实秋名声很大，但说起来还真不知道是为什么，我貌似从来没看过他的其他东西，而这本雅舍谈吃显然不会是其成名作，否则华语文坛也略显水。－－这充其量算是一本关于食物的information gathering且加注了个人喜恶，放在学术界这就是本不带有个人研究成分的综述，并且不是一个好综述因为综述本不该带有个人倾向。梁实秋或许是出身于大家族，写到幼时记忆则不时提到家中厨子给他们做或这或那的吃食；又貌似其行闻多广，书中多篇始于“我于哪哪哪吃了啥啥啥”，然后给出“这里这么做的，那里又是那样“的记录，最终下个结论”哪样的更合我胃口”。我窃以为他并不懂得吃，只是吃得多而已，至少从他的字里行间我是体会不到其对食物的至高热爱。而关于食物描写的极好散文，我推荐汪曾祺的作品－－这里我得承认我可能带有的偏见成分，毕竟是从小影响着我的家乡文人的作品，我受其乡土感很重的质朴文风影响颇深－－汪对食物的描写带着一个美食者对食物质料的理解，带着对往年旧事的memory，他文中的食物则是成为了从生理味觉到心理慰籍的载体，在触动潜伏于我心底的那份乡情。

说到我的乡情，很复杂，何处是我家乡？－－出生于中俄边境的一个部队编国营农场，爷爷辈是江苏过去“开发北大荒”的支边军官；到了我父辈，80年代末赶上国家给解决支边官兵子女回乡的大潮，爸妈就回江苏了，其实他们当时待在东北已经非常comfortable，回去估计出于年轻人对未知世界的追求吧。两年后待我上小学一年级时把我也接到了江苏开始一家三口的新生活。小学六年中学六年之后，考上大学离开，流离四海，再也没在家一次性待过超过三个月的时间。所以说，哪里是家乡？－－黑龙江那个部队农场？我对那时的记忆根本都很模糊，亦真亦假，比如我觉得我见过狼，还被狼追赶过，那或许只是幼时梦魇；又比如我觉得我见过我二大爷，他还举着我玩儿，但全家人都告诉我二大爷于1984年去世，而我出生于次年夏天。。。－－江苏扬州那个小县级市？可我去了以后很长一段时间听不懂老师同学们的说话，倒是很快可以跟隔壁老奶奶交流可惜她说的那是泰州话。在学校也会有热心小盆友总来找我说话但貌似只是为了向其他小盆友们显示自己的普通话很ok。孩子的语言天分总是超过大人，到了小学中年级我已经可以跟同学们用方言交流无障碍了，而我妈至今还在挣扎于试图用方言买菜XD 尽管交流上的问题很快就解决，在江苏那个人人都认识人人的小县级市里，我们一家还是被认作“外地人”，直到高中别人还问我有没有满族血统因为我出生于东北的东北，我都还得不厌其烦告诉他们我爷爷以前就是界首镇“大王庄”的，我爸也出生在那，只有我不是而已－－在那时我倒是希望我有点满族血统，高考还能加分呢！=D

不小心又被我扯远了，每次都这样，写着写着忘记了初衷。可以自封”意识流“派么？😄 －－其实今天初衷是要得瑟厨艺的来着。。😳 话说昨晚看梁实秋雅舍谈吃，虽然不甚喜欢，但还是颇受启发的－－因为我constantly在纠结的一个问题就是”下一顿我吃什么“－－昨天启发了我的那篇是关于烙饼。我那从东北去了江苏依然热爱面食的爸妈在准备餐饭时总是会给我单煮米饭，而他俩各种馒头面条什么的，家里偶尔吃饺子包子他俩还都巴不得嚼上一口生蒜。记得有次放学回家看见桌上给我摆着正常的米饭炒菜和汤，他俩则坐一旁无比幸福地在分享一筐大葱卷芝麻蘸酱，一边吃还一边交流说江苏很难得买到如此好的大葱blahblah（江苏确实很少见到大葱，我们那边偶尔炒菜热油爆小米葱，葱花那种），我在一边默默咽饭并寻思自己到底是不是亲生的－－我总有这种念头冒出因为首先我长得既不象爸又不象妈，再次我爸爱唱歌我妈会跳舞而我什么才艺都没，再然后我爸妈体育细胞极好－－我爸年轻时代表单位打篮球，别的单位为了削弱竞争对手特意比赛头天派人来找我爸喝酒把他灌得烂醉，我妈则是到了四十多岁还能劈叉，我读博最后两年他俩开始傍晚打羽毛球，我放假回家跟着去了几次他们就不稀得带我了（好受伤><）。。。Anyway，难得的让我不在吃饭时那么有“非亲生”感的时刻就是每次家里烙饼吃的时候😄 我妈会烙饼，很简单的死面饼，然后炒上一两个适合卷饼的小菜，最经常是土豆炒肉丝，或者青尖椒炒鸡蛋，偏爱后者因为辣嗖嗖更有风味。中秋放假期间尤其容易想家，于是昨晚决定今天自己烙饼吃，冰箱还有青椒，也有鸡蛋，还特意去橱柜里看一下有没有上次妈咪来看我时给我包饺子剩的面粉－－还真有！于是美滋滋入睡，盘算着今天自己动手操作一下曾经的家常美味。

然后就是今天，一醒来就莫名兴奋，看来带着目的入睡是极好的，这样一早起床就知道自己今天要干什么，毫无目标的起床才会是挣扎的。起床－和面－炒青椒鸡蛋－烙饼－卷饼－装盘－拍照，然后结果就是下面这样子的😄

兴致勃勃地操作了近一个小时，成品被我狼吞虎咽五分钟就给吃了个四分之三，对着剩下的那些我还得告诫自己：美食者无须是饕餮客，这才剩了一点点减少罪恶感。But still，现在是下午三点钟了，我依然是腆着肚子无法动弹－－还是吃撑了，囧。秀厨艺得瑟完毕，外出溜达消食去～

后记：在朋友圈得瑟了我的卷饼之后被老妈指出：面和稀了。恍然大悟－－我说怎么这饼那么软手捏不住！正确做法是和成固体面团然后擀成薄饼，而我今天这是稀面糊摊出来的软饼，并且还不均匀，很厚。只能说，美食者亦无须是特级厨了。。。

今天早晨在纠结就要面对的尴尬处境时，我突然意识到自己在过去的一年里不止一次让自己陷于很挑战的境地，而后来都安然度过。据说这代表我在不断成熟ing，沾沾自喜，想给自己一点applause(^o^)/

想来自己EQ还是极低，因为EQ高的人就不会让自己处于那么不好的境地at the first place。所以我这就是各种no zuo no die I still try么，😳 😳 Anyway，牛人靠自己我等全靠天－－听天由命少算计比较不容易早衰－－早晨照镜子还是没发现皱纹，那感觉，superb ！